The Nightstar Zoo

You mean ye olde:

Step 1 - Ask for a Three-Step Long Weight.
Step 2 - ???
Step 3 - End up somewhere else.


Yeah, I can see how you'd end up here.

Yup. And every single time it took them hours just to tell me they didn't have it.

Oh, you're in the right place, but we're out of stock. We used them all up in last week's snipe hunt.

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I used to be Junius Gallio, until I messed up retyping my password in the Great Password Reset. Nice to be back.

" I gotta stop doing mathematics while sober."

Yeah, The Armoury doesn't so much operate under the Laws of Physics as it does the Rules of Murphy.

That the second time someone's said that... I'm beginning to wonder if everyone's just messing with me...

Nah, couldn't be. Off to... actually, this was the last place on the list. I guess I'll just have to wait here until you get a new shipment - waaait a second...

You catch on quickly! I have just the weapon for you!

*rummages around in a closet marked "Biohazard"*

Here we go! A zombie clone of Yogi Berra preserved in a large jar of rye whiskey! Yogi was quite an athlete in his day, so we've grown this clone to his peak physical condition then infected it with an EvilCorp "Fast Zombie" virus. When the inevitable Forum Wars start, you have your very own Catcher in the Rye.

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I used to be Junius Gallio, until I messed up retyping my password in the Great Password Reset. Nice to be back.

" I gotta stop doing mathematics while sober."

Oh, wow. I thought those were all destroyed after the 3020 Weapun Control Act.

We're going to have to keep an eye on this wun.

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The difference between theory and practice is that theories seldom involve people screaming in terror.

Forum weapon: the humble Northern Pikestaff

*drives by on the forklift with a spool of flight line, a crate of grid squares, a drum of relative bearing grease, and a shiny new PRC-E8 radio rig*
*nods in approval at the newbie and his weapon*

I think this was overlooked because of a boo-boo.

we-a-pun?

Yea, keep an Ion (cannon) this one ...

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I hope Para never plays with Tenzy. The result would be terrifying.
Para and Petey need to have some dialog together. Just because.

A now heavily modified drone floats in a Quasar Cannon sits atop a 360 degree turret ring. "Well that took longer than i thought to fit the cannon onto my drone."

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Has a drone which is in possession of a Quasar Cannon. I sense shenanigans.

*pulls up in the now-empty forklift*
What the he--
Yo! Armorers! Who issued this thing?

*squints until he can make out the RichV insignia under the haphazard mounting assembly kludges*
Ah. Carry on.
*drives off in the forklift*

Hi, long-time lurker here. I think I started reading Schlock Mercenary in 2010, give or take a year, so I've procrastinated registering for quite a while. Would it be possible to get issued a weapon to protect myself now that I am no longer nameless?

*drives by on the forklift with an antiship torpedo warhead on the forks*
Be right back.
*keeps driving*

*returns on foot with a rectangular box, tall and thin*

It's time for another dose of supernatural assistance.
*opens the box and slides out a bottle*
As Kathryn gave to Karl to get him to talk of his wife, I give you...bourbon.
Gods and monsters, Karl cursed. For you, you summon demons. For this is Jim Beam Devil's Cut Special Reserve.
Take a drink, and a demon will be summoned to do your bidding-but you must be able to explain what you wish of the demon, AND offer him a suitable bribe: he doesn't work for free. (I suggest things that would result in valuable loot he can keep.)
The more you drink at a swig, the more powerful the demon--but I hope you can hold your liquor, because he will not be amused if you slur your words.
Dare you summon a Balrog, or only sip enough to summon an Impling at a time? It's up to you.

(My previous issuance was a Djinn-summoning dice bag with critical fumble rules enabled)

Ha, lucilky for everybody else, I'm Mormon so I won't be summoning any demons against you. Probably. Depends if demonic bourbon from the internet has any alcohol in it. Or if I can get a buddy I trust enough to not turn against me even when dead drunk.

Then the Devil's Cut couldn't be in safer hands. Tis a terrible weapon that can strip people of their sensibilities and render them incoherent.

Oh yes. Of course there's alcohol in it...and saying "there's alcohol in it" is like saying "napalm is a bit flammable and a little sticky".

This demonic draught retains the 90 proof cloven hooves of its real life counterpart (that's 5 percent more alcohol than standard bourbon, a fact known to catch drinkers by surprise) and flavor like the inside of a lumber mill-adding a finish of charcoal, sulphur, and copper that is a side effect of the summoning.

So you've asked for a weapon intended for personal protection, and received an offensive weapon that you probably can't bring yourself to deploy...

Unfortunately I'm not in the position to issue you a weapon, as I've been diligently planning the launch of Technojunk Industries. The weapon market seems to be well serviced by IshidanCo, MesCorp and EvilE, but there's a distinct opening in the personal protection field that we intend to cover.

So without further ado; I announce the soft launch of Technojunk Industries! We specialize in the finest battle tested armor and protective clothing. All items are certified functional and were NOT the previous owners direct cause of death!

As anonymity seems to be part of your existence, I offer you the Security Blanket. In times of extreme danger or stress, simply drape this article over your head and any sophont with a sense of humor will believe you to be 'invisible' while laughing themselves comatose. Do note that like most forms of invisibility, enemies find it very unfunny when used offensively. Learn from the mistake of the previous owner...

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Proud wielder of the AnyBottle and the Mk I. Vegetable Peeler.
Founder of Technojunk Industries, proud purveyor of battle tested protective gear.

Hey folks, for your information, I'm storing a muzzleloading headcannon here on this shelf, to be issued to the first willing recruit. It says on the box that a recoil-driven implantation mechanism is included, whatever that means.

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Armed with my right and left bear arms and the Coat of Arms.

Recoil-driven implan... Where did you find such an insidious device? Was that a MESCorp R&D reject? Someone trying to use an explosion for more than pretty lights and concussive dismemberment?

Well that probably explains the helmetless armor I occasionally see at surplus auctions....

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Proud wielder of the AnyBottle and the Mk I. Vegetable Peeler.
Founder of Technojunk Industries, proud purveyor of battle tested protective gear.

I'm sure that R&D will be happy to have a troubleshooter troubleshoot it for functionality.

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I hope Para never plays with Tenzy. The result would be terrifying.
Para and Petey need to have some dialog together. Just because.

QA had three separate individuals test it out before shipping, all survived implantation and early testing. The final testing involved the removal of the headcannon via the automatic mechanisms and proved, should we say, slightly messy.

Don't worry, all three test pilots survived to lead perfectly productive lives after we deployed them back to various stages of the 20th and 21st centuries. Test subject Col. R Mugabe is a successful leader of a country, 1st Lt K West is apparently happy as a celebrity rapper and Sgt S Segal proved you can have a career in motion pictures with only one facial expression.

All in all, a successful product launched.

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Proud driver of the Gruel-Retriever LVSR and uncertified gruel thief.

"Oh the Cannon was issued, i just fitted it on my drone." The drone chirps

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Has a drone which is in possession of a Quasar Cannon. I sense shenanigans.

Hi there, I've been lurking around here for quite a while now and decided it was as good a time as any to join. If I may, I'd like to receive something with a good ironic twist, and as impractical as possible.

Ironic and impractical? Hmm ... sounds like a tall order, but I think I have just the thing.

*** rummages in storage locker marked "Melee Weapons" ***

There it is--right behind the relative bearing grease. Behold the mighty Axe of Cupriphagus!

Cupriphagus was a Dwarven hero of the Age of War on planet Greyhawk-1191 .. I recon he was active about forty years ago. While exploring the Temple of Elemental Evil with some friends he fell afoul of a horrible wasting disease when he was attacked by a mummy. Didn't make it, poor fellow, but his axe survived.

His axe has a curious quality. It's a Dwarven one-handed axe, capable of being used in melee or thrown as a missile. Unfortunately, for every attack, instead of rolling a die, you flip a coin: on heads, you get a critical success, on tails a critical failure. And if you get that critical failure, it's going to hit one of your companions in the back for 2X maximum damage--happens every time.

Made of the finest Dwarven construction, the iron of the axe-head comes from ... hey, wait a minute.

*** smacks the axe on the counter, where it clunks dully. It sounds like plastic ***

Crap. This isn't the actual Axe of Cupriphagus, it's one of those cheap copies. You can always tell the fakes, they have "Mattel" stamped on the handle.

Sorry, Sibericus. Someone will be by to issue you a weapon shortly, but I want to find whoever it was who put a fake weapon in the storage locker. I need to axe them why they did that, and my odds of getting an answer are only 50/50. Wish me luck!

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I used to be Junius Gallio, until I messed up retyping my password in the Great Password Reset. Nice to be back.

" I gotta stop doing mathematics while sober."

Will it work with double-headed coins, or will one side become the defacto tails without any way to tell which is which? I've literally been burned by something similar to this before.

Looks like the first armorer withdrew due to finding his gear locker raided and replaced with duplicates, so that will not be your weapon after all.

Mmm. I got it. To the forge!

*returns from the build shop*
*Places a circlet of black, cold, dense metal on the table. Its shape resembles a running spiral, with two gems inset -one each accenting the eyebrows.*

Aahh. No ironic twist like twisted iron.
In addition to its natural anti-Fae properties, these gems have been imbued with short range gravimetric distortion projectors--gravy guns in our parlance-that will render any target up to a medium tank into a chaotically warped mass of metal and flesh in seconds.

No, the problem is not recoil, or sidelobe effect. It's activation range. You asked for a weapon that is impractial, not outright suicidal.

Both gems must contact the target for the effect to activate, and the circlet must be on your head at the time.

Therefore, you must make physical contact on the target with your head. Whether you do it like Ender at the enemy's gate or like Zidane is up to you.