The Nightstar Zoo

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please...and one for the road."

6. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

9. Two sheep, eating grass in a field. One looks up and says, "Lousy grass, eh?"
The other looks up in surprise, "Holy shit! A talking sheep."

I just shared some of those with someone else in the room.

I got hit.

....


I need more

This is where I stole 'em: http://www.totse.com/bbs/Forum3/HTML/019866.html

There's a few more there. But these were the good ones.

*snrk* Ger, if all you wanted was to be hit, I would be happy to oblige.

This one's cute:

1. Guy walks into a bar. He opens up his briefcase, and pulls out a foot-tall man. The foot-tall man starts run around the bar, slapping everyone and knocking over drinks.

The bartender looks at the guy, and says, "That's amazing! Where'd you get that?"

"Well," the guy replies, "I found this magic lamp over on second street, and the genie granted one wish."

"Incredible!" The bartender exclaimed, "I'll have to go see this genie."

"Well, just be careful how you word things," the guy says as he pointed the dimunitive maniac, "That's what I got when I asked for a twelve-inch prick."

2. WARNING: This one has gotten me assaulted before.

Missionary goes to see the chieftain at this villiage. On his way in, though, he sees the chieftain's three wives. One is a huge, gargatunan woman sitting on a hippo hide. The other two are small, sitting on leopard skins.

They talk things over, and, on his way out, the missionary asks the chieftain, "Whats the deal with the three wives?"

"Simple," the chiefton replies.

"The squaw of the hippo is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides."

Gotta spell it out. "hippopotamus".

Vorn

Gerald, that absolutely needs to get worked into the pun war on the IW! forum...I leave you to work it in.

How do you get a hanky to dance?
Put a little bogie in it.

Whats brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!

These are a bit questionable:

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter, it still won't come.

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
You would to if your name was ArrAggh.

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's piano?
Neither has he.

And finally, the last one is important how you say it.

Whats brown and sticky?
A sssssstick!

Did you hear the joke about the cornflakes?

No?

Well, there was this box of cornflakes, and -- look, I'll tell you the rest next week, because it's a cereal.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

/me smacksmacksmacks Gerald!

Thats bad!

Have you heard about the physicist who knew his keys' exact momentum?

They even used that pun in Master & Commander.

They did?

Hasn't seen it

I got it from one of the Uncle John's Bathroom Readers

Here's another one:

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the "men of God", the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving - that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

More... mostly cause right now I'm on pins and needles.

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

*****

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why? I'm a fun guy!"

*****

A certain man was infatuated with a young woman, but was so timid he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he told his therapist that every time he got near her he felt like nothing more than a tiny pebble.

"Well," his therapist responded, "if you want to get the girl you'll just have to be a little boulder!"

Since my daquiri post got lost in the revamp, I'll put it down again.

Dick the bartender owns a little joint down the block from a major medical center. He takes great pride in serving specialty drinks to hospital staffers who frequent his place. One particular surgeon shows up every day for his favorite: a regular daquiri with a handful of crushed walnuts added in for flavor.
One day, Dick spots the surgeon coming down the sidewalk and hurries to make his special favorite. To his chagrin, he discovers that he has run out of walnuts. Desperate, he grabs a handful of hickory nuts and grinds them into the blender, hoping that the surgeon won't notice.
The bartender presents the bogus drink to the surgeon with a flourish and watches carefully to see his reaction. The doctor takes a sip, cocks his head and squints his eyes and says,
"Saaay, is this a walnut daquiri, Dick?"
Busted, the bartender admits,
"Well, no; it's a hickory daquiri, Doc."

A gorgeous redhead goes to the doctor and complains, "Doc, my whole body is in pain. It hurts everywhere I touch myself!"

The doc asks, "Which finger do you use to test that?" The redhead held up her right index finger.

Doc takes her hand, and presses her finger against her head. "Does that hurt?"

"Yes!" the redhead yelps.

"How about this? And this? And this?" Doc presses her finger against her shoulder, her stomach, her knee.

"Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!"

The doc makes a few notes, then looks up. "You're not a natural redhead, are you?"

"Why, no," she admits, "I'm naturally blonde."

"I thought so. Your finger is broken."

Quoting Winston Churchill is something up with which I will not put!

There was a painter who would secretely thin his paint and skim off the top. One day he was contacted by a local church, and he said it would take him four gallons of paint to do the job. He went out and bought three gallons, and thinned the paint as usual.

Soon afterwards there was a rain storm, and the paint job was ruined, exposing what he had done.

The pastor called him up.

"You thinned the paint, didn't you?" he asked.

"Yes sir," the painter replied, "I did... I'm sorry."

"Well, you know what you must do?"

"What?" The painter asked.

"Repaint and thin no more."

Ah, a joke thread, is it?

So a member of a church moves away, and donates all his possessions to the local nunnery. One nun in particular takes a liking to a pet donkey that was left behind.

Unfortunately, the local newspaper had a sensationalist editor on staff, and when he found out about this, his headline ran,

"Church receives donation of land and goods, nun grabs ass".

She would take it to the schoolyard for the children to play with, who of course also loved this new furry friend. She even allowed it to be a star attraction at the next holiday festival.

"Schoolchildren love petting nun's ass"
and
"Nun shows off her ass"
read the stories.

Well, the pastor saw these, and tried to get the editor to knock it off: however, the editor was not moved. Therefore, the only solution was to force the nun to get rid of the donkey. And so he did, taking the donkey to the next town under cover of darkness to try to sell it. Unfortunately for his plan, there were no takers for livestock at the middle of the night, and the printer caught him as he came back at daybreak.

"Pastor peddles nun's ass at midnight"

wrote the headlines.

Completely apoplectic, the pastor has a stroke and falls down dead.

"Too much ass kills pastor."


In other jokes, I seem to remember once being told a joke about a ceiling tile. I didn't think it was very funny, though...I think it was over my head.

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns swam around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian: "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten". A large mysterious cod appeared and said: "your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and
he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?", he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again!"

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark now, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner. "

Justin cried back: "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian!"

_________________
Living in a state free from the burdens of privacy and democracy since 2008-06-18.