The Nightstar Zoo

Ok. We are planning on launching a website for this comic on December 1st. Right now I would like to get some feedback and critique on the material.

Feel free to critique any part of it but what I really want to know is: Do you like it or not? Would you read it if it was a regular m-w-f comic?

Its a sometimes surreal and sarcastic look at the world of commisioned retail... With snakes, and bear and stuff. The images are not really in their final form so ignore any blur.








So, please, feedback...

Excellent work! Very professional!
I like it at least.

Two minor points:
1) The font is a bit on the small side. It might work in print, but computer displays are fickle creatures... I had to squint and put my face really close to the screen to be able to read the "small print" in some of the panels. Faced with the choice between lowering their screen resolution and not reading a comic/web page, most people choose the latter.

2) You've written "You're" instead of "Your" in the first panel of the fourth strip.

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For the record, the yardstick by which I measure sales comics is the now ended Retail Weekly after it went to a full page format. Retail also contains the only confirmable time to my knowledge one of my jokes has ended up in a comic, so I'm a bit biased.

First, the art:

It is very good artwork for a starting webcomic. It looks clean, well edited, and, for the most part, the eye flows from panel to panel without getting lost.

However, when I can't figure out which panel comes next, it's a dozy. My mind goes to a "write the worst fanfic" contest I was told about, where the winning story had dropped a page out and neither the judges nor the writer could figure out where it belonged.

The art is also a little too, well happy for where you seem to be wanting to take the strip (looks to be darkish comedy). When I read your strip, I feel like it should look more like Wapsi Square when Monica is battling her inner demons or maybe very bright, with lots of negative space. This artwork I have to compare to ex-Modern Tales classics like Makeshift Miracle or No Stereotypes, both of which approach their subject matters with a happy, jumpy outlook.

Now, the writing:

It's lacking. I worked for several years in commission electronics, so I do get all the jokes. However, even I found several of the jokes obtuse, and I didn't see much in the way of originality (the "Abandon Hope" sign hung over the break room at my last job for several days before some manager pulled it). Is this to say that it won't get better? No, but There's no real "catch" yet to hook me in.

I like it. A lot.

I second gnolam on the text size issue.
I second DeeT on the panel ordering issue.

I disagree with DeeT on the artwork issue. It's not very good art "for a starting webcomic", it's great art period. Lovely.

As far as the art being too happy for the content... I like that effect! It's exactly the way it is in the retail world, where everything "onstage" is happy shiny fluffy wonderful, and things "backstage" couldn't be darker or more fraught with peril... It's the image you MUST present in retail or you fail.

I'm with DeeT on one thing though, get yourself a proofreader. I noticed several grammar problems and word usage issues throughout.
3rd strip, 1st panel, should be "Your need to succeed"
4th strip, 1st panel, "Tisk, tisk, drive old friend" <-- ??
6th strip, 2nd panel, should be "Rocky, the greatest salesman"
6th strip, second from last panel, should be "In fact, better make it two!"

As far as the originality in the writing... As far as I'm concerned, at this point in time, so much has gone before us that originality isn't a big issue with me anymore. There's nothing new under the sun. Whatever you think of, you can be assured that many other people have thought of the same thing, and probably done it. The question isn't whether you are original, but what you can do with the material that's already out there. And this comic succeeds in that.

I'd definitely put this one on my list. Quite enjoyable.

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Thanks for the feedback guys.

The strips presented here are "drafts" for the most part.

After reviewing all the comments we are fixing the text, shortening some of the script. We are also going to work on more establishing shot within the art work.

We are used to working on full page sequential books instead of strips. So we hope to bring a mixture of comic strip and comic book flavor to the whole thing.

Its also worth noting that most strips will be "gag-a-day" style strips. What you see here is a sampling from the first months worth of comics and most of it is extablishing the world and characters, so its not as funny as it will be once people know who the characters are. We got one where Frank regales Ben with tidbits from his days as a medical sargeant in the Military, and laments his abandoned dream of becoming a hand model. ANd later ben sells a new mouse to a mouse and hilarity ensues.

We are going to revamp some of these though, so Im pretty sure we are pushing the launch date back to January 1st. its a good date to start on anyway.

Booya!!

Site went live today. Happy New Year

http://jjsunshines.com

Hope you guys come check it out. You can post critiques here or at the site forums.