...but this forum is for all creative endeavors, right? It isn't really sophisticated or anything, but it might make a few of you smile, such as maybe Animal (being a writer for a living and everything). I wrote this speech for English class for my final. Please don't hurt me too much! Oh, and in case you are a dumbass, don't plagiarize either. You can come up with your own damn material.
Anyway, I hope you like it.
I have the honor, the privilege, nay the obligation to speak here today about a subject of my choosing, provided that it describes my dream for a better world or the independence against some form of tyranny. This may seem a fun, carefree way to end the year, but Mrs. Bolton has thrown in a twist. I am required to incorporate at least nineteen rhetorical devices. These rhetorical devices, such as anadiplosis and alliteration, must be sewn seamlessly into my speech. My speech is not free, it’s chained.
The dark power of the rhetorical device goes deeper than you may realize. They have wormed their way into the very marrow of society. Anecdotes have become common place in normal conversation, and they often do not make sense. The other day, while talking to my friend Daniel Scofield, I caught him using an obscure anecdote about an experience he had with a frog in early childhood. We were discussing rhetorical questions. What do frogs have to do with rhetorical questions?
Repetition is a product of rhetorical devices. People believe that epanalepsis will help to emphasis what they believe. People believe that anaphora will help to tie together their points. The sheep of society think that to emphasis their thoughts, they must use epistrophe to close their thoughts, or no one will remember their thoughts. I think they sound silly doing it. These devices format what is said into a boring, predictable pattern. If you try to use antimetabole, antimetabole will use you.
An English teacher could counter by pointing out how “useful” procatalepsis can be. You refute your opponents arguments before they can even make them, leaving you in control. It also leaves you always on the defensive, never able to say more than a word or two of your own. Caught in this endless, forever turning cycle, you may resort to hyperbole or litotes. Exaggerations can get a tad out of hand if they are allowed to escalate.
Letters are a dangerous thing. We can not allow our pens to be ruled by such cruel masters. Metonymy and synecdoche, personification and parallelism, asyndeton and anastrophe, all the same they are. When we let our need for periodic sentences govern what we say, when we pepper in oxymoron to give our papers a distasteful sweetness, when we start making up a third point in order to make our climactic sentence sound more rounded, it has gone too far! Declare your independence! Show the world you are no a mouse; you’re a man! Show the world you need no maxims; your ideas are yours alone. Show the world you need no Rhetorical devices; you’re doing fine without them.
Just remember: Constant Vigilance! You never know when the stray allusion may pop up.
If you see anything I could improve upon, please be honest. It will be too late for the final, but it is never too late for me to improve as a writer.