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 Post subject: Not so chilly chili
PostPosted: Fri Mar 04, 2005 12:03 am 
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Texas Chili Cook-off

Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

I hope you have a good laugh at this. This had me crying laughing!

Here are the scorecards from the event: Frank is Judge #3.


Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit! What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting snockered from all of the beer...


Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I an no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

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"I am a machine. I am a weapon of war. I am a destroyer of life in the service of life, the sword and shield of my human creators." Bolo Invincibilus, Mark XXIII, Model B (Experimental) 0075-NKE "Nike".


Last edited by bizzybody on Sat Mar 05, 2005 1:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Mar 04, 2005 2:02 am 
Ha, poor #3. :lol: :lol: :lol:


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Mar 04, 2005 4:43 am 
Heh. Read that before somewhere else. :D


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Mar 04, 2005 12:39 pm 
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I've seen it before, too, but I'm happy to see it again :)

Judge #3 reminds me of my mother.

If you've ever used Crystal hot sauce, you know that it ain't hot. It's maybe 700 Scoville units. Crystal is to Tabasco as Tabasco is to Dave's Insanity Sauce.

I can be cooking a soup in the big 12-quart stock pot, and add maybe a quarter teaspoon of Crystal, because the cayenne really brings forward flavors that are otherwise hiding in the background... And my mother will bitch and whine because it's too hot. Even if I never tell her about the hot sauce. Quarter teaspoon of really damn weak hot sauce to 12 quarts of soup and it's too hot.

Jeeeeeez.

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Fandemonium 2010 -- No Boundaries.
http://www.fandemonium.org
Friday - Sunday, August 6th - 8th, 2010
Nampa Civic Center - Nampa, Idaho (Only 20 minutes from the airport!)
(Idaho: It ain't just potatoes anymore.)


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Mar 04, 2005 1:42 pm 
Ogredude wrote:
I've seen it before, too, but I'm happy to see it again :)

Judge #3 reminds me of my mother.

If you've ever used Crystal hot sauce, you know that it ain't hot. It's maybe 700 Scoville units. Crystal is to Tabasco as Tabasco is to Dave's Insanity Sauce.

I can be cooking a soup in the big 12-quart stock pot, and add maybe a quarter teaspoon of Crystal, because the cayenne really brings forward flavors that are otherwise hiding in the background... And my mother will bitch and whine because it's too hot. Even if I never tell her about the hot sauce. Quarter teaspoon of really damn weak hot sauce to 12 quarts of soup and it's too hot.

Jeeeeeez.


Sheesh. She must think French's mustard is nuclear waste.


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 05, 2005 2:48 am 
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She can't stand prepared mustard (the regular violent yellow kind). She's okay with dijon or stoneground mustard though.

_________________
Fandemonium 2010 -- No Boundaries.
http://www.fandemonium.org
Friday - Sunday, August 6th - 8th, 2010
Nampa Civic Center - Nampa, Idaho (Only 20 minutes from the airport!)
(Idaho: It ain't just potatoes anymore.)


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Mar 05, 2005 5:44 am 
Some people have more tastebuds on their tongue than others, and this makes them sensitive to spicy food. Also spicy food is an acquired taste, and unless you are willing to acquire it you won't like it. So before you think your aunt is an idiot remember that food tastes different to different people. Although her attitude could use an adjustment. I just don't eat what I consider too spicy and don't complain.


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 06, 2005 12:33 am 
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I'm very sensitive to soured/rotten and spicy tastes and alcohol. Put some alcohol in anything and I can taste it overpowering everything else. Blue cheese and others like it? Makes me gag.

Some people like foods that taste and smell like they've been left in the middle of Death Valley for a couple weeks. Not me.

Foe me there's a definite line between cultured/cured/aged and spoiled/rotten. ;) It's when my nose and tastebuds tell me "Hey! That stuff'll kill you if you eat it!"

_________________
Fandemonium!
August 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 2014

"I am a machine. I am a weapon of war. I am a destroyer of life in the service of life, the sword and shield of my human creators." Bolo Invincibilus, Mark XXIII, Model B (Experimental) 0075-NKE "Nike".


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